I am DONE

I have finally decided to come clean with a lot of things. This includes my story of why i became an atheist.

I was about five. A very impressionable age. I wanted a brother to play with. That wish has fucked up the last 9 years of my life. Nine and a half today. My mom became pregnant and i was ecstatic. i told my friends. My teachers. Everyone. When the big day came. March 25, 1996 i was too happy to contain it. guess what. He died. before he could breathe real air. He died. Before he could truly see the world. He died. Being a hindu, over the years i consulted religion. I learned about karma and mokhsha. I was pretty analitical back then. I was logical. I wanted to find out why he died. So i did.

Hinduism teaches us that you accumulate karma in your life. Your good deeds are good karma, and your bad deeds are bad karma. When you die, your karma determines the quality of your next life. This is all according to Vishnu. My former God. So i wondered, if god says that your karma is so bad that you cant even live. Then how can you improve your karma. Therefore you have completely lost the chance to attain Mokhsha. If God designed that system so someone could get stuck as a baby that was unborn over and over and over again. How could the soul ever develop good? if God could make a system so infinately flawed, was he really hoping for our betterment? I realized that if God was truly as benevolent as Hinduism says, and that we would truly protect you. He would show some mercy to those who are not completely good. If God cannot be completely benevolent to those who could possibly promote him, then why would he have such a plan? It didnt make sense. The only thing that did make sense, was that God could not make a system that didnt show what he said. He was good. If God contradicted God. He couldnt exist. (Remember this is like 8 year olds logic). So i decided that there was no God. And now i am what i am now. A death obsessed, suicidal, masochistic, sanguinaphilic, atheist. That is my story.